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  • Tom McCauley

Most Depressing Epitaphs



Death is a hard thing to think about no matter how much money you make. Even when beautiful people think about death, they feel uncomfortable (we really do!).

Thankfully, there's the epitaph: stone-chiseled words no earthly force can erase, except time and weather.


Some of the most common and successful epitaphs are your everyday non-terrifying phrases, like "I liked animals" and "Thank you for visiting me in the cemetery today."

Epitaphs always make you feel better about dying. That's why families like to picnic at the cemetery. You get several grandfathers' worth of wisdom and reassurance in a single sky-blue afternoon.

But a few spoilsports actually go out of their way to request a very, very depressing epitaph. Whenever we see one of these on our morning walk through a graveyard, it makes us want to live forever so we never have to meet these idiots.

That’s all, folks – Mel Blanc

A classic example of a "gotcha" epitaph. We think we’re reading a harmless homage to Porky Pig on the headstone of the actor who voiced him. But think harder. "That's all, folks" is actually just a way to say that death is the end of life, that there will be no more life afterward. Pretty depressing if you stop and think about it!

His future remained in the past. – Alexander Godunov

It’s not enough for someone to die. He must be insulted, too?

[an error occurred while processing this directive] – Timothy Shaker, PhD

An entire human personality is conveyed here, from the witty yet eerily accurate [system.message] to the decomposing body’s name and professional degree.


Never to return, this man’s personality has gone out into the wild, has died, and has been wiped clean from the universe. And that’s super creepy.

I was young once. Now, in the depths of time, I still am. – Anonymous

This one's actually not too bad. It suggests eternal youth. The best thing a person can be is young. Two stars.

You don't have to be famous. Just be. – Logan Alexander (@logan.x.10.)

News flash: fame is everything. This bullshit aphorism is far beneath the dignity of a corpse.

So...what do you think of these most depressing epitaphs? Tell someone you love about it today, before it's too late!

Oh shit we almost forgot about this one. Ugh. No stars.

#epitaph #MelBlanc #DieHard #Logan #love #dignity

5 views0 comments

Love you, buddy.

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