• Mark

Are We Dating?

Hi there. It's Mark. Quick question. Am I supposed to be dating you right now? Because I can't figure it out.

I wish high school wasn't so complicated. It's really hard to know what's expected of you in these kinds of situations, which are more matters for the heart than matters of the head, am I right? That's why I'm being proactive and asking if I am currently dating you. My dad says it's always better to be proactive than reactive and I guess he's right because he makes over $80,000 per year at his job and I only make $11 an hour at mine (my job is a non-salaried position).

By the way, do you prefer Steph or Stephanie? I'm not sure. That's something that if we are dating would be good to know.

I have a few follow-up inquiries that might help you help me determine if I am your boyfriend or just a colleague from school.

Do you recall the time we went to Max's party at the lakehouse? And you made out with my friend David for a really long time and the two of you disappeared into Max's older brother's room to play Ouija Board with the door locked?

This might be a silly question, but does that make you my girlfriend? Seems like it could go either way but I don't want to do something dumb like start dating someone else if I'm already dating you. That would be embarrassing for both of us.

On a related note, are we going to the big dance together? I need to know if I should save up for a tux and a corsage for you if we're a couple. Is it customary to split the cost of the limo ride, or am I expected to pay for the whole thing? It's okay if you would like me to pay for everything as long as you let me know at your earliest convenience whether it's safe to assume that you will be my date to the dance.

Remember how Jordan Wuthers started the rumor that you sucked David's cock in the guys locker room right before winter break? Am I supposed to beat up Jordan for that? I mean, I'll try, but I just want to be absolutely clear on our relationship status before I decide to. Jordan was my best friend in eighth grade and one time we took a blood oath at the mall that neither of us would date Cindy Ehlers, and to the best of my knowledge, I am still not dating her. I'm not sure if he is, though—do you know? Also, am I supposed to beat up David?

I know this is a lot to process all at once from someone whom you barely know and who might also be in a romantic relationship with you. It is not my intention to overwhelm anyone. But I bet you might be wondering the answers to some of these questions yourself. And that's okay, it's totally normal. Honestly, don't feel bad. It can be tricky to understand situations like this that have no clear answer.

Well anyway, Steph or Stephanie, I better wrap this up because you might be busy tonight. Jordan told me he's taking you to a movie and then you're going back to his house because his parents are in New York City for the weekend. If you are my girlfriend, does that mean I should come and pay for your movie ticket? Gosh, I am so sorry, I just don't know!

Oh yeah, my mom says hi. Have you two met? She said you can come over any time you want, up until 9 on school nights and 10 on weekends (just not Sunday). She even offered to make a batch of scotcharoos if you like scotcharoos. Are those your favorite?

Let me know sooner than later. Thanks.

Kind regards,




P.S. do you think my mom would know if we're dating?

P.P.S. sorry to keep sending you so many texts but my dad wants to ask what is your five-year plan? Mine is to graduate college with a double major and become a self-made millionaire.

P.P.P.S. if it does turn out that I am your boyfriend, I'm sorry, but I cannot send you any pictures of my genitalia. Dad says that would be unprofessional. He says you can't be too careful in this day and age, which is yet another of the many reasons I'm asking you if we're supposed to be exclusive.

Looking forward to solving this mystery once and for all—if this is the kind of mystery that can be solved!

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