Five POWERFUL Ways to Invigorate Your Telegraph Business!
Twenty years ago my first-born son announced, "Dad, you really need to find a new business. It's the Nineties. The telegraph is out. TV's cool now."
Well, Franklin, fuck you. The year is much later now, and fashionable Americans are adopting vintage enthusiasms more than ever. To my well-trained ear, the general trend of Romanticism says telegraphs are set to resurge heartily. Imbecile.
Move over, Internet! It is the wonderful telegraph.
A Professionalman's Diagnosis, Followed by Treatment Recommendations in List Fashion
Sadly, private citizen demand for telegraphs is not what it used to be, ever since the invention of the wireless, the telephone, the television, the satellite, the facsimile maker, World War II, the internet, the smartphone, Bluetooth and Near-Field Communication technology.
Nevertheless, if you know anything about the sacred cycles of history, a resurgence is due in the telegraph market. Here's what you can do to get a jump on the bull.
1. Bear 1 dozen telegraphs to the intersection of Fifth Avenue & West Twenty-Third Streets on the Isle of Manhattan and vigorously pronounce, "I have telegraphs, Gentlemen! Brand-new telegraphs! Two for the price of one telegraph!"
This tactic is assured to work. The only thing you have to do is go to New York. If you have the spicy constitution to make such a journey, your sales will more than certainly atone for whate'er you lose on travel.
Note: Double the asking price on each unit so you don't lose your shirt on the two-for-one offer. No one will notice this in Manhattantown; it's called "the Kohl's Department Store method of selling a telegraph."
2. Tout yourself with stationery.
In your daily peregrinations, accompany yourself with a generously apportioned stack of rectangulated bond paper on which you have illustrated your name, logo, mailing address, telegraph number, ethnicity and highest military rank attained. Be sure to mention the salubrious physiological merits of rhythmically tapping out one's correspondence on a telegraph, as well as the mental benefits of learning Morse code.
Distribute these "business cards" to reputable-looking gentlemen whose faces bear the telltale muscular twitch of intrigue at the prospect of acquiring a telegraph, but who are not prepared to buy one today.
They don't teach this kind of genius in business school; it's something you learn on the avenue.
3. Assert your superiority over lesser telegraph-men.
This is a less-refined sales trick that approaches moral shabbiness, but it does work if one is willing to dirty his knuckles. As you scale the various communication platforms of the day, from broadsides to magazines, continually boast of your God-given talents, superior wits, and general fit-ness, all of which makes you a prize far surpassing the worth of the average telegraphman, who conducts himself inferiorly. The efficacy of advertising thus-wise is congruent to a website or a digital app, and in fact more so.
4. Emblazon your appeal on unused peach baskets and distribute them to gymnasiums.
Have you heard of the new athletics phenomenon "Basket Ball"? The brainchild of Dr. James Naismith, formerly of the commonwealth of Massachusetts, Basket Ball (or basket-ball, for short) has swept across the Union as fearsomely as ten thunderstorms!
An important component of basket-ball is the "hoop." Fashioned from a common peach basket and elevated to a height far exceeding that of an ordinary man, the hoop serves as the magnet to the medicine ball and must be guarded at all cost. Therefore, if you print your telegraph sales appeal on peach baskets and donate those baskets to gymnasiums, the baskets will be used to make hoops for basket-ball, and scores of idle, money-owning spectators will notice your name several times over the course of a single match, which lasts about ten hours.
This translates into more telegraphs sold per gymnasium than ever.
5. Invest in bees.
If these means should fail to reinvigorate your telegraph sales, expand beyond your comfort zone of telegraph-selling and into the realm of beekeeping. Beekeeping is not only a pleasurable hobby, it ensures your neighbors & potential telegraph customers remain freshly supplied with honey whene'er they mark your porch for a social visit. Plus, nothing in the world is less susceptible to the ravages of time and nature's folly than the mighty Bee.
Don Flour of Don Flour & Associates is widely and sincerely considered Americaland's foremost man of business. He is of Swiss-Anglo stock, residing comfortably in Northampton, Massachusetts, ensnared to his wife.