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  • Tram McDooley

Buy These 8 Dogs to Impress Her


Ready for some hot summer action? Here are 8 dogs you need to buy to impress her today!

  1. Airedale. Nothing says "I will go down on you (and this sinking ship)" like an Airedale. (Pictured: John Jacob Astor IV and wife Madeline with airedale Kitty boarding the RMS Titanic.)

  2. Lhasa Apsu. You gotta be smart as fuck to pronounce this breed name, ya cantaloupe!

  3. Rescue. "I save lives. Let's do it."

  4. Hot. If she likes bad American food, she'll LOVE a ballpark-style hot dog.

  5. Beagle. Snoopy was a beagle. Show her that even though you're a grown man with a gum disease and many used windshield wipers you still have a childish side.

  6. Beethoven. Technically a small bear, this breed is able to perform a fairly complicated waltz with minimal instruction.

  7. Shih Tzu. Also known as a chrysanthemum dog, this breed sounds like "shit zoo" which is exactly where these boring animals would be if femmes didn't find them cute for some reason.

  8. Labradoodle. If you say this aloud for half an hour you WILL hallucinate.

So there you have it. Eight dogs to buy today if you want to impress her. Good luck this summer!

End of article.

(Pictured: Beethoven teaches a frustrated Charles Grodin how to waltz.)


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